Daily Archives: 2013-12-04

Wide Load Lense

Seconds are a thing that I consider one of the simple pleasures in life.  Having just a couple more bites of a delicious slice of bacon or just one more scoop of pasta, while not very good for the waistline, is great for my mental state of being.  It is a little tiny reward for making it through the day without murdering anyone (figuratively speaking of course).

As much as I like the idea and practice of seconds, I feel socially constrained to never go back for them when in certain company due to my size.  In front of my family or my parents, I have no compunctions about having a little bit more (emphasis on little bit), because they do not perceive me as a fat person.  To them, I am just me.  If I am around my in-laws, extended family, co-workers, or friends, I feel that I am being judged for even eating anything.  So many of the people I am around on a daily basis are of the ideal body type and I can see the judgment in their eyes and facial expressions.  The way that people talk to me, take family or group pictures without me, or just stand that little bit further away from me gives me a clear signal of how they feel about how I look.  I have gone though many gatherings without eating anything due to the glances I would get when moving towards something to eat.  I feel like I need to show people that I am eating less and not trying to add to my girth.

Now that I am pregnant it is even worse.  With 3 family members also pregnant right now, there is a lot of comparison of belly size going on.  The other three women are much, much thinner than I am, of course.  I feel like I cannot eat anything but celery and carrots around the judging ones, no matter how sick or nauseated I feel.  I want to be in pictures so that I can remember this time in my life and look back and show my children what I looked like when I was younger, but the lack of pictures tells the true story.

Have you ever gone to a family Christmas, where 5 people are constantly taking pictures, and find that somehow you are not in any of them?  Not even in the background?  That is what happens to me.  I believe that people avoid taking pictures with me in them because I am not one of the beautiful people.  And who doesn’t want to take beautiful pictures?