Tag Archives: nablopomo

Please Sir, I’d like some more… time

What do I wish I had more time to do each day?

Honestly, I wish I had more time to blog.  I am a pregnant, mother of a toddler, working mom with a long commute.  From when I wake up to when I go to bed, my day is filled with the needs of other people (my son, my husband, my unborn child, my boss, ect.).  I just wish I had more time to blog during the daylight hours; the hours that my brain is functioning and my mood is as chipper as it is ever going to get.

Right now I am stealing time to blog on my lunch break, coffee break, or after L goes to bed.  My breaks are too short to form a cohesive post and my brain is fried by the time L goes to bed.  The days when J is working late and I have to single-mom the evening, my chance of blogging is nil.  Weekends aren’t any better, as that is my time to do family activities, clean house, or catch up on the mountain of laundry.

So, while I should want more time to clean or spend with my family (if I was the ideal mom), I just want a little bit more me time.  A chance to feel like a person that has thoughts outside of baby diapers and baby spinach.  A chance to accomplish something that I take pride in.  A chance to be me.  The real me.

Wide Load Lense

Seconds are a thing that I consider one of the simple pleasures in life.  Having just a couple more bites of a delicious slice of bacon or just one more scoop of pasta, while not very good for the waistline, is great for my mental state of being.  It is a little tiny reward for making it through the day without murdering anyone (figuratively speaking of course).

As much as I like the idea and practice of seconds, I feel socially constrained to never go back for them when in certain company due to my size.  In front of my family or my parents, I have no compunctions about having a little bit more (emphasis on little bit), because they do not perceive me as a fat person.  To them, I am just me.  If I am around my in-laws, extended family, co-workers, or friends, I feel that I am being judged for even eating anything.  So many of the people I am around on a daily basis are of the ideal body type and I can see the judgment in their eyes and facial expressions.  The way that people talk to me, take family or group pictures without me, or just stand that little bit further away from me gives me a clear signal of how they feel about how I look.  I have gone though many gatherings without eating anything due to the glances I would get when moving towards something to eat.  I feel like I need to show people that I am eating less and not trying to add to my girth.

Now that I am pregnant it is even worse.  With 3 family members also pregnant right now, there is a lot of comparison of belly size going on.  The other three women are much, much thinner than I am, of course.  I feel like I cannot eat anything but celery and carrots around the judging ones, no matter how sick or nauseated I feel.  I want to be in pictures so that I can remember this time in my life and look back and show my children what I looked like when I was younger, but the lack of pictures tells the true story.

Have you ever gone to a family Christmas, where 5 people are constantly taking pictures, and find that somehow you are not in any of them?  Not even in the background?  That is what happens to me.  I believe that people avoid taking pictures with me in them because I am not one of the beautiful people.  And who doesn’t want to take beautiful pictures?

Challenge Accepted . . . maybe

Do I think I am more or less likely to complete December 2013 NaBloPoMo?

This is a tough prompt for me to anwser; I think both yes and no.  

Yes, because I feel the need to do something other than work, sleep, and take care of my son.  Notice that cleaning the house is not in that list.  Right now, I feel like I am losing my identity as a person outside of being a working mom.  With this pregnancy, I have become even more focused on just simply getting from one day to the next without any major meltdowns (for me or L).  I think that getting back into writting might be an easy way to give myself something to spend an hour on each night, just for me.

No, because I feel so overwhelmed with just the idea of getting from one day to the next.  Futhermore, I do not have a good track record of completing the NaBloPoMo months.  I am also not doing myself any favors by trying this again during the busiest month of the year.  So yeah, I will be surprised at myself if I manage to complete the month.

Last year I was able to complete the PhotoADay challenge and take a picture roughly every day.  Once the year ended and I became pregnant with #2 my photo taking slipped further and further behind.  I am extremely disappointed in myself for losing that habit after working for a year to make it a habit.  I got some really good pictures (and some really bad ones) from doing that challenge; improving my composition style was the best thing I got out of it.  I am challenging myself to complete this challenge to improve my writting and to give myself an identity outside of working mom.

The first month with L

Well, I made it one week of blogging every day before I skipped a day.  I was raised that if you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all (in public).  Gossip is a whole different story.  Yesterday, I did not have anything nice to say about life, work, or anything.  Between a shitty day at work, a teething baby, and a husband who had to work late I was OVER it.  So, I am back today, and I will try not to feel to guilty about breaking my resolution after only one week (I suck).

NaBloPoMo Topic Day 9 – Talk about a time when you used up an extraordinary amount of energy and were exhausted.

This is an easy one to talk about for me.  The most energy I have ever used up is in the first month after L was born.  Every mother goes through the newborn phase and many go through the same difficulties that I had.  I know my story is not unique, but in case someone is reading this and is having a tough time, it does get better.  Promise!

To tell you a little bit about the first month with L, I will tell you a little bit about me.  I never planned on having children and I still have no idea how to interact with them.  They are weird little almost-people whose thought process I cannot decipher.  So with that background, we decided to have L.  After a pretty typical labor leading to C section (scary but nothing terribly exciting) we were home with our new baby.  Just like every other set of new parents, we had NO IDEA what to do.  We were lost (and way too independent to ask our parents for help, or god forbid, advice).

We made it thorough everything, I will say it again.  In the first three months we dealt with GERD, colic, bad latch, low weight gain, and severe PPD/PPA.  J is a saint for sticking with me through everything (prob just did it for the kid . . . joking!!).  I was so stressed out about everything that I lost all my baby weight and 20 more lbs in that first month.  We eventually got L and I on meds for both of our issues, got the latch fixed, and started supplementing with formula to help the weight gain.  That first month when we were trying to figure out what was wrong was absolute hell, though.

The experience of taking turns walking L around the house for hours so he would sleep, waking up every 2 hours to change and feed him, and being completely lost in parenthood has made both J and I stronger people and has brought us closer together.  I would not trade it for anything.  It is kind of like parental boot camp; you remember how hard it was and look back at it with pride and wonder how you did it all.

So if there is anyone out there dealing with all of these issues, I reiterate, you will get through this.  And anyone who has been through this, high five!  We made it!


My personal soundtrack

NaBloPoMo Day 7 Topic – What song gives you energy?

When I am feeling drained of energy or unmotivated I like to put on a playlist of songs that I can sing along with at the top of my lungs.  I am probably a below average quality vocalist, but when I am in the mood I rock out like I am Amy Lee (in my mind).  Singing along in the car on road trips is a ritual that J and I established back in college when we were driving to his parents house for some free use of the washer and dryer.  We even did harmonies!

Here is my current playlist that gets me in the mood to get shit done (in no particular order)

  • Snow – Red Hot Chili Peppers (I love the guitar riff)
  • The Cave – Mumford and Sons (once again, loving the guitar)
  • The Bleeding – Five Finger Death Punch (his voice is just so powerful)
  • Wake Me Up – Evanescence (yup, I hit the high notes . . . well, I try)
  • Tell Me Baby – Red Hot Chili Peppers (I just like the funky groove it has)
  • Monster – Skillet (my pregnancy anthem)
  • Fake It – Seether (love the rythym and the lyrics)
  • Let the Guilt Go – Korn (can’t help but move to this song)
  • Hitchin A Ride – Green Day (reminds me of Stray Cat Strut . . . I feel old)
  • La Vie Boheme – Rent (the musical)
  • Simple Man – Shinedown (beautiful cover of a beautiful song)

This list of songs changes probably every 6 months, but some have been on the list for years.  La Vie Boheme was put on the list back in high school and Monster was put on the list during my commute to work when I was pregnant with L.  The newest song on the list would be The Cave, which was only added in October when I saw them in concert.

Another thing that I am having a lot of fun with right now is finding old mix CDs that J and I made for our late night road trips for previously mentioned laundry.  Some of these songs I completely forgot how much I liked (Pretty When I’m Drunk – Bloodhound Gang).  Best of all it gives me an insight to how I was thinking and feeling years ago.  It is like my own musical time capsule!  I am going to keep making these mix CDs just because they are so much fun to discover years down the road.  Long live the mix tape CD!

If you wake me up I will rip your face off

Day 4 : At what time of day do I feel the most energetic or productive?

I hate getting out of bed in the morning.  That is my absolute worst part of the day in my book.  The ironic thing is, I am actually a morning person.  I am the most productive, most positive, and generally a better person to be around between the hours of 7 am – 11 am.  And yet, the act of being woken up and actually getting out of bed turns me into a snarling monster.

How do you recharge when you have Chronic Fatigue Syndrome?

I am currently searching for an efficient way to recharge my energy (be it work energy or general life energy), because right now I feel burnt out.  The past 2 weeks I have taken time off for the holidays and have only worked 2 days each week.  You would think that this would recharge me and help me re-motivate myself, but I find myself just as “over it” as before.  My cup hath run out.

I think my main problem is that I spend so much of my time dreading the upcoming work day that I cannot just enjoy the moment.  I dread each new Monday starting on the Friday before at about 3 pm.  This colors my whole weekend and takes away from my possible recharge time.  How do I let go of the work week and just be able to enjoy my family time?

I have tried many things to distract me from the ever present dread: bubble baths, playing with my son, reading a book, making something using glitter.  None of them take away the feeling for more than a few seconds and then I feel the same as before.

My endocrinologist has diagnosed me with CFS years ago, but I do not know if I believe that it is a real disease.  There is no definitive test for it and nothing you can do to cure it.  How am I supposed to deal with a disease that has no definite symptoms other than chronic fatigue and no cure?

How do you recharge your energy?  Anyone with CFS have suggestions?  I hope that I can eventually put a more positive spin on these posts, but being at work and on my lunch break gives me a pretty pessimistic outlook on life.  Should I clap my hands and think happy thoughts to keep Tinkerbell alive?


My job is a vampire, sent to draaaaaain

Second day, second prompt: What daily tasks take up most of your energy?

When I divide my day up, I spend the majority of my time at work.  Next comes sleeping, commuting  spending time with L, doing chores, spending time with J, and finally other projects (such as blogging and making beer).  Out of all of those tasks, working and commuting take most of my energy.

I say that they take my energy, but in reality they suck the energy out of me like a thing that sucks energy vampire.  Driving an hour each way to work is something I knew I would have to do, based on where I live, so that is just frustrating and tiring.  The real energy drain is going to a job where I feel unappreciated.  From what I hear, everyone feels like that, though.  Now, I could bitch and moan about how much I hate my job, but in reality I chose to work there and I am choosing to stay there for now.  At this point in my life, having a job where I have a little bit of security and experience is a good thing.

I hope someday to find a job that energizes me; a job that I look forward to going back to.  Until then, I will keep slogging away at this job and find other things to energize me.  Maybe I will cut back on my sleep time to spend more time with L and work of more projects.  Definitely not going to put more time towards chores.  Those can always wait until company is coming over or I am out of underwear. :)

How can I get my own internal combustion engine installed?

The first day of NaBloPoMo and I am going with the suggested topic: Where do I get my energy?

First thought: What energy?  Second thought: That is a damn good question for today…

Yesterday, being NYE and all, I spent the day with L who was being incredibly grumpy.  Trying to entertain a grumpy toddler and listen to constant whining is exhausting!  After J got home, we then went to the in-laws for a NYE party.  Fun was had by all and we made it home at 2 am safely.  Normally we are in bed by 10 pm because L wakes up at 6 am like clockwork (when do they learn to sleep in on the weekends?), but we decided to throw our sanity to the wind and stay up late.  Woo!

Now it is New Years Day and I am thankful that L was tired enough to sleep until 7.  I feel like a zombie.  Somehow we managed to motivate ourselves to remove the shower doors in L’s bathroom this morning (we are hangover free today!).  Now, it is nap time and J is mowing the lawn while I ramble on and on and on.  And I wonder, where am I getting my energy?  I feel like I have none.  At all.  So, I am going to make a list of the things that make me get off of my ass every day.

  • L is my biggest source of energy (and my biggest energy drain sometimes).  L pushes me to get up in the morning and take care of him and go to work.  I have to slog through the day to help provide a good life for him.  Then I come home and he runs to me saying “Mammamama!” and I have the energy to laugh again.
  • Coffee also is a big energy provider.  I don’t think I will ever have another child because I could not give up coffee again.
  • Doing a project gives me energy.  I get excited and motivated to get a project started (finishing it is an entirely different story).  The ability to say “I made that” is one that I cherish.
  • J gives me energy.  He knows when I am burnt out and tells me to go take a bath, or nap, or just be alone and read for half an hour.  He does the chores and projects (like shower door removal) when I am unable (watching L), unmotivated (just blah), or just unwilling (doing dishes) to do them.

Well, look at that; I do have some sources of energy!  I hope that these sources will sustain me through the next year; 2012 was so great that I have a feeling that 2013 will not be so smooth.  Just one of those feelings . . .